What's in it for Me?

Is it selfish to want more for myself? To not feel like I'm being given enough. By friends, by work, by life. Is it because me as a person just isn't all that spectacular? 

I feel as though I've lost who I am somewhere in the years of placating who I should be to everyone else. I'm not happy with anything. I'm looking, craving a new experience to breathe life into me again. Being trapped in this ruthless cycle of money, work, school is sucking the last bit out of me. 

But isn't that selfish? To complain about wanting me when I have so much already. There's real problems out there and I'm chasing a feeling of betterment. A feeling that is very much so just a personal choice to be excited and elated. It's as simple as deciding that I am. Why continue on this cycle of regret when I can reopen that part of me I love so much. Why is it so hard to not be weird and angsty. 

Is it consumeris, Wanting those big beautiful houses with pristine furnishings and a fancy car parked out front? Is it society's pressure to be this tiny, thin, smaller nosed version of myself because that's what's pleasing to the eye and the only way I can be worth anyone's time? Or is it the cultural war I rage within myself everyday between this east and west standpoint that I've struggled growing up with.

I keep trying external factors to fix everything. I bargain, if I make the person next to me happy then their joy will eventually rub off. I root for others to succeed and achieve because once they've reached their goals, I'll finally have a shot at mine. I need to repair the damage to my psychology first though. I've always, always made decisions with my heart, but now it doesn't care for anything and my mind haven been left to fester all those years is to weak to be rational and strong now. 

Am I just being selfish or does life greatly dislike me? 

Today is but a memory

Sometimes you go through life carefree and joyous, believing that the future will always be as it isn't now. Other times you have one of those days of inexplicable sadness that even breathing becomes too laborious to handle. Today was one of the latter. 

I've struggled with demons before, but demons you can fight. Vanquish. Overcome. Failure you can not. The saying "try, try again" is one of the cruelest things I've ever heard. To tell someone no you're not enough now but give me more of yourself and MAYBE you will be is just wrong. Sometimes to be strong you need to realize that not every path you choose in life is the one for you and that strength comes from acknowledging and accepting that new territory awaits you instead. 

I can't try again any longer, I've got to be strong now and reach my newest goal. To graduate is a big step, to live is an awfully great one. 

But I will do it. I will do both actually. Because I want so much to be strong.